Conflicting Emotions
by SarahandBabees
Summary: Oneshot. Tessa is hurt by Will's behaviour. Late at night, her feelings boil over. What happens when Will finds her crying in the moonlight? He himself is waging an inner war. Can he overcome his extreme fear of commitment? Or is all lost?


**A/N: Hellooooooo everybody! A random little one shot of what I wish would happen between Tessa and Will . . . but it probably won't happen :( a girl can dream, though.**

**Anyways, I hope you enjoy reading this! I enjoyed writing it :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Infernal Devices or the characters (no matter how much I wish I owned Will or Jem!) They all belong to the very talented Cassandra Clare.**

The past few weeks had been nothing short of unpleasant for Tessa.

She and Will hadn't spoken in days, save for the occasional polite hello as they passed one-another in the hall. Anything between them was strictly formal.

Try as she may to deny it, Tessa missed speaking with Will. Her heart ached for him. What she wouldn't give for one of his smiles, no matter how tainted with sarcasm or smugness they were. Even a simple acknowledgement would suffice!

But no.

Will acted as indifferent as ever, not speaking one kind word to her.

That's why Tessa began doing the same.

If their eyes ever met across the dinner table, Tessa would shoot him an icy glare before turning away and striking up a conversation with Jem.

Ah, Jem.

He'd always been so kind to Tessa, and now he'd been thrust into the middle of the war. He'd attempted to start a conversation between the two countless times, but it was no use. They were stubborn as mules.

In the confines of her room, late at night, Tessa began to think that things with William Herondale were irreversible. That was the only time that she would allow herself to think of him, to remember the way he'd kissed her on the roof. As she thought of it, she would lightly touch her fingers to her lips, as if she could still feel the kiss burning there. The memory of that one perfect moment both comforted her and saddened her.

Sighing, she drew back the covers and slid out of bed, slowly making her way to the library. Perhaps she would find some peace of mind there, surrounded by books. They always eased her mind.

~ID~

William Herondale was not a person who would generally feel remorse or regret. He didn't waste time with such worthless feelings.

But God, did he ever regret hurting Tessa.

He hadn't meant to be so callous. Oh, who was he kidding? _Of course_ he meant to be that callous. It was the only way to get through to Tessa.

Beautiful, strong-willed, headstrong Tessa.

From the moment he saw her in the run-down residence of the Dark Sisters, he'd felt an undeniable attraction to her. He found himself thinking about her whenever his mind wandered. The way her grey eyes shone when a strong emotion gripped her. The way her pale brown hair cascaded in a cluster of curls down her back. The way she smiled shyly at him. Everything about her made him want her more.

But he was afraid. Afraid of letting her in. Afraid of what she'd think of him once she knew the truth. Her rejection would wound him deeply, deeper than any before. He would be unable to survive it. So he did the only thing he could think of:

Hurt her.

He truly hadn't wanted to. Seeing her face crumple, the evident pain in her expression almost made him take it all back. It had physically hurt him to hurt her like that. But his resolve was strong, and he didn't intend on being wavered from that decision.

Until one night, he found her sitting in the window seat of the library, the moonlight shining on her pale face. Tears shone in her eyes, some even fell down her beautiful face. He'd very briefly considered turning away from her, leaving her there, but he hadn't had the heart to do it.

He found himself pulling up a chair next to her, taking a deep breath.

~ID~

When Tessa sat in the window seat, her thoughts had become too much to bear. She felt herself falling apart, wishing for the comfort of Will's arms. _No,_ she mentally scolded herself. _You cannot think like that anymore. It's unrealistic, and will only hurt you in the long-run._

It was unclear how long she'd sat there before she heard the scrape of a chair on wood flooring. Her head snapped to the side, and she was startled to see Will pulling a chair up to sit with her.

"Tess," he whispered, his face unsure.

"What do you want, William? Haven't you done enough? Or, would you perhaps like to hurt me some more? Now would be the time, since I am already wallowing in my self-pity," she said venomously. "Why can't you simply leave me in peace? Or, is that too much to ask?"

She watched as he flinched. She bit her tongue hard, tasting blood in her mouth, to stop herself from apologizing. He didn't deserve an apology.

His face tightened. "Well excuse me for caring," he said dryly, standing up to leave.

Tessa scoffed. "I'm sorry, but the word caring and you just do not go together. Honestly, if you are going to torment me, go ahead." Tessa heard the defeat in her own voice, but there was nothing to be done. He'd broken her. She diverted her gaze back to the full moon.

Moments of silence passed, so silent that Tessa thought he'd left. Until he spoke. "Tess," he said softly.

Against her will, her eyes found Will's handsome face once again. "Yes, William?" she asked levelly, not letting any emotion seep into her voice. She would _not_ show him any weakness. Not anymore.

He swallowed almost convulsively. "What I said on the roof . . . I'm sorry. Truly, Tess. I never wanted to hurt you. It was the last thing I wanted. You must understand that what I said was for your own good. I'm not good for you, Tessa. I'm afraid that if I let you in, the both of us will get hurt." As he spoke, he reached out to brush a lock of stray hair from Tessa's cheek, caressing it gently. Tessa found herself leaning into his hand, her eyes sliding closed.

"You won't even try?" She found herself asking, hearing the desperation in her voice. _Great,_ she thought. _I sound like a helpless child._

"I . . . I just don't know how, Tess." He took a deep breath. "I find my thoughts drifting to you when they should not. When you are not around, I find myself wondering what you might be doing. When I am asleep, it is your face that I see in my dreams. I think I may l—"

Tessa held up a hand to stop him. "Don't. I cannot bear to hear you speak those words when nothing will become of us. Just . . . do the both of us a favor and stop," she begged, feeling her flimsy control over her emotions slipping. Already, a tear was falling from her eye. She turned away quickly so that Will wouldn't see it.

Will turned her face back to him and caught the tear with his finger. "Tessa." He spoke softly than he ever had before to her, and that brought her up short. She looked into the blue depths of his eyes and saw decision in his eyes. He tilted her chin up and leaned forward.

Tessa knew precisely what he was about to do, but she was unable to find the will to stop him.

His lips touched hers hesitantly, as if to ask if that was okay.

Any willpower she'd had crumbled away in that instant. She distantly felt her arms reach up to twine around his neck, pulling him closer. She felt his lips press harder against hers, and felt his fingers running through her hair.

In that moment, she'd forgotten that he'd hurt her. That she was supposed to be angry with him. In that moment, she let her body's desires take over. She'd deal with the consequences at a later date; for now, she needed to feel his lips on hers.

Moments later, when they finally broke apart for air, their chests were heaving. Will rested his forehead against hers, breathing her name like a prayer. She closed her eyes, wishing for the moment to never end.

When it did, she sighed in disappointment. Will leaned back in his chair, a shocked expression on his face. As if he couldn't believe what he'd just done.

"I should not have done that. I'm sorry," he said abruptly, before standing up and exiting the library briskly.

Tessa watched him go with a heavy heart. She felt broken; felt her heart break into a million pieces for the second time. Her entire body shook with her quiet sobs. Tears ran down her face in torrents.

She sat there for an unknown amount of time before she'd cried herself to sleep.

~ID~

Will mentally slapped himself.

How could he have been so thoughtless?

How could he have given in and done the thing he'd wanted to do most, the thing that was guaranteed to tear the both of them apart yet again?

How could he have her hurt like that?

He'd left quickly, mumbling an apology. He had to get out, and _fast._

He sat in his bedroom, staring at the wall for God knows how long. The sky had begun to lighten, he noticed distantly. He felt completely numb.

He soon found himself wondering if Tessa was still in the library. If she hated him now, far more than she had before. If she was okay.

_Well William, there is only one way to find out,_ he thought to himself, rising from his bed. He crept out into the hallway, making his way quietly to the library.

He opened the door just enough to peer in and see if she was there.

He found her slumped against the wall, dried tears on her face. Even in sleep, her face was twisted into a grimace. It agonized him to no ends to have caused her so much pain.

Sighing, he gently gathered her up into his arms and carried her from the library to her room. Had it been under different circumstances, Will might have found the prospect of holding her so closely to him thrilling. But now was not the time for such feelings.

Once he arrived at Tessa's quarters, he laid her down gently in her bed and pulled the covers over her. She stirred slightly, but didn't wake. He saw with a mixture of delight and sadness that her grimace had turned into a smile.

His fingers brushed her cheek briefly before he whispered the words she hadn't let him say in the library. _I love you._ Her skin was soft under his fingers, almost like silk. All he'd wanted in that moment was to take her into his arms and never, ever let her go. Instead, he scrawled a quick note to her, telling her not to be alarmed, that he'd carried her to her room.

With one last look of longing at her gorgeous sleeping face, Will left the room. He'd make things up to her. He just had to figure out how.

~ID~

When Tessa woke the next morning, she was not in the library. She looked around in confusion, realizing belatedly that she was in her room.

She spotted a folded note on her bedside table with her name written in elegant cursive on the front. She grabbed it and unfolded it, reading what it had to say.

_Dear Tess,_

_I discovered you sleeping in a rather uncomfortable looking position in the library, so I carried you to your room. Do not be alarmed to not find yourself in the library. Come find me when you wake; I must speak with you. It's very important._

_Will_

Tessa was touched by the note. She pulled the covers off rather quickly before leaving the room, headed for Will's quarters, wondering what could possibly be so important.

Once she stood outside the door, she knocked timidly. "Come in," Will said quietly, so quietly that Tessa had to strain her ears to hear him.

She turned the doorknob and stepped in, closing the door swiftly behind her.

"Ah, Tess. I see you found my note." Will sat on his bed, a book between his hands. He set it aside when she'd entered the room. She realized with faint amusement that he had been reading _A Tale Of Two Cities._

Tessa nodded. "Thank you for taking me to my room last night. It was very kind of you," she said evenly.

Will waved a hand dismissively. "It was the least I could do after . . . well, you know."

Tessa winced involuntarily. The way he'd left so suddenly hurt her.

He motioned for her to sit beside him on the edge of the bed. She did, but kept some space between them.

"I apologize for my abruptness last night. It was a strange night for me," he said.

Tessa looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue.

He sighed. "I suppose that I was just so terrified of letting you in that I became slightly confused and jumbled. But I've come to a decision."

Tessa held her breath, waiting for his next words. The ones that would either devastate her or make her dreams come true.

~ID~

"I was up all night pondering my decision. And and what I've decided is that . . . I cannot go on without you." He reached over and took one of Tessa's hands in his. "I love you, Tessa Gray. I cannot imagine my life now without you in it. You have changed me for the better. It is my hope that you will still have me, though I would not begrudge you if you didn't, not after all that I have put you through," he said truthfully. He looked down at his feet in a rare show of vulnerability.

He felt a small hand tilting his chin up, and found himself looking into her clear grey eyes. They were unreadable. "Will, it is true that you have put me through many nights of heartache and sadness. Had I not met you, my life would be much simpler." Will felt himself starting to fall apart. Until she spoke again. "But a life without you would not be one worth living. Sure, I would be saved the heartache, but I also would not know what it was like to love. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I forgive you and that . . . Will Herondale, I love you as well."

Will could not contain the joy he felt in that moment. He sprang up from the bed, pulling Tessa with him. He wrapped his arms around her and swung her around, pressing his lips to hers once he placed her back on the floor. She was everything to him; his salvation, his love, his life. She would always be there for him, and he for her in return. He would never let anything else hurt her, not even himself. _Especially_ not himself. He'd put the both of them through enough.

"Tess, you have no idea how happy you've just made me. I promise to never hurt you again." As he spoke the words, he felt his conviction and the truth in them. He would do everything in his power to make her happy.

She rested her head on his chest. "Glad that's clear," she murmured.

He stroked her long brown hair with one hand, keeping the other wrapped firmly around her waist. In that moment, he knew that he never wanted to let her go, nor would he for anything in the world.

"Would you like to know a secret?" Tessa asked, her voice muffled in his chest.

Will smiled in amusement. "Of course."

She motioned for him to bend down so that she could whisper in his ear. He did, and he felt her soft lips at his ear. "I wasn't asleep last night when you carried me from the library."

Will pulled away, an expression of surprise on his face. He grinned. "Is that so, Miss Gray?" he asked.

She nodded. "I'm quite the actress, aren't I?"

"Yes, it seems as if you are. I hadn't the slightest idea, Tess."

Tessa grinned, clearly pleased that she had been able to fool him. "Now, I suggest we go fetch some breakfast. I'm rather famished," she said, hugging herself closer to him.

He bent down and pressed his lips to hers, luxuriating in the softness of them.

"On second thought," she began, pulling away. "Breakfast can wait."

Will grinned like the Cheshire Cat. "Tess, you and I think alike."

"Frightening concept," Tessa joked, pulling his lips down to hers once more. They carried on in their little slice of heaven, content in eachother's arms.

**How was that? Good? Bad? Horseshit? Haha let me know w****hat you thought of it! I wrote it in the middle of the night, so if it's bad, that's why XD**

**Review!**


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